How pornography destroyed my life. This 2 part blog will be raw and written without apology. Of which draws a picture of how porn stole my innocents and how it destroyed me to my core. This is MY story in the truest form. Not a blanket assumption or to call anyone out.
I feel like we live in a world that has tolerated porn, at times promoted it and made excuses for it.
Pornography is not a victim-less industry. It destroys the viewer, it destroys the spouses, it destroys families. I can only speak for myself on how the porn industry robbed me and how someone else’s addiction to porn destroyed my very core.
First things first, my introduction to porn:
I was exposed to porn as a teenage girl at a party, I sat watching awestruck and not fully understanding the appeal but instantly feeling inadequate. It was that moment where the porn industry robbed me of my innocence. That moment formed my view on sex, love and my view of myself as a girl. Images that I couldn’t erase, how in the world would any girl be able to compete with that? Truth is none of us could.. I found myself going further than I ever anticipated going and sitting in situations that I should have never been in, all because I saw what was deemed a fantasy as reality.
I mentioned the instant feeling of being inadequate. I grew up knowing I was beautiful and confident in who I am (Thanks mom) but not ever fully embracing my worth. But, those images played games in my head as a girl. It spoke to every insecurity I had. I was legit under 100 pounds not a curve in sight. Some are like wtf did you need to insecure about? Well because I didn’t think I had what it took to pull a guy physically. Remember this is teenager brain (it never makes sense) but it is very real feelings. I struggled in relationships ever believing guys when they talked about how beautiful I was, because of that moment at that party looking around and every guy was mesmerized by these images and in my skewed thinking by this sense of “beauty”. I guess in my own mind that was what every guy was expecting. I was far from that by any means. Then those guys who would talk about how beautiful my heart was, I chopped up to it just being the next best thing. It was a vicious cycle of thinking, a toxic one at that. It was that moment where I lost self confidence and saw no worth in myself.
Then I bought into a lie as a teenager as many do, that girls were often objectified that was to be expected and accepted. That in order to be worth anything in a guys sight we needed to succumb to this sexual identity one of which pushed the limits. Honestly, if I couldn’t look the part maybe I could learn to play the game better. That is what I did. I spent my teenage years giving away pieces of me; pushing those limits and each time leaving more empty and unloved.
Then it became this thing that some guys just did. Porn began to be normalized. As crazy as it sounds I allowed it to speak to my self confidence and worth but I didn’t want to any part of it all at the same time. I didn’t understand the draw or appeal. I ended relationships over not wanting to watch porn or not being okay that my boyfriend would periodically indulge himself with it. It became the deal breaker in relationships.
Porn left me really conflicted in myself and in my relationships. It exposed doors that weren’t ready to be opened. It stole all innocents and robbed me.
We need to be careful of porn. It sneaks in our lives and at times we didn’t ever see it coming.. we need to be mindful. It has been scientifically proven that it does more damage than we ever thought. Porn isn’t victim-less, it shouldn’t be normalized or just chopped up to it’s not a big deal it is just what “I do.” For me, porn destroyed and delayed my ability to find myself and trust the relationships I was in. As a parent myself I want to raise my kids in a way where they are setting higher standards on topics like this before they are ever exposed. I want to be the one to speak their worth to them not allow the lies of porn to depict their worth or skew any views.
I wish I could say that coming into adulthood and recognizing that porn was a deal breaker in relationships and that I stopped allowing the world to speak into my confidence was the end of how porn destroyed me. Unfortunately, it followed me well into my adult life and reared it’s ugly head back at me and paints a picture of dark places, brokenness and shattered dreams. So, until then don’t buy into the lies that porn sells you.
Soul-ly Stripped 