As people we get so wrapped up in everything we are not.

I am not worthy, I am not enough, I am not pretty, I am not strong, I am not smart, I am not that kind of mom/dad, I am not creative, I am not strong enough, I am not capable, I am not loved, I am not brave, I am not that kind of husband/wife, I am not a good friend, I am not a Pinterest queen, no one will ever love me, I am not a good cook, I am not tall, I am unlovable… so on and so on.

We spend countless hours abusing our hearts, minds, souls and bodies. We play the comparison game. Constantly comparing ourselves to someone else’s highlight reel. Spending time speaking low about ourselves. We are so focused on everything we are not we miss who God has called us to be.

We don’t extend the grace we extend to others to ourselves very easily. Friend, you are brave and wonderfully made. You are an amazing mom /dad/brother/husband/wife / friend/daughter/son/ sister/ brother. You are more than enough. God loves YOU and created YOU to be YOU.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..” Psalm 139:14

Made in the image of God. In our weakness He is made stronger. Which in return makes us stronger.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 1 Corinthians 12:9-11

Instead of being consumed by all that we are not, place more VALUE on WHOM you belong to. Shifting your focus can ultimately change the course of your thought life. It can change the course on how you view life. How you respond to circumstances,disappointments or to life in general. Friend, you are worth more than you give yourself credit, so much that Jesus gave his life FOR YOU.

There are things in your life that will keep you paralyzed. Unable to move forward. Unable to achieve your dreams and desires. Unable to get past hurts. Unable to accomplish all that God has for you. Things that literally have been set out for you to get off track or distracted.

You know those things that literally feel like the air has been sucked out of a room leaving you unable to breathe, function, process or move forward. So many of us have learned to highly function in this state of being. Some of us have learned to just shut down. While many of us have learned how to use it to propel us towards all that God has for us.

These paralyzers can look like a billion different things and everyone will have different triggers and different responses.

Maybe it’s a past mistake that keeps rearing it’s ugly head. Maybe it’s words from someone else that echos in your mind. Maybe it’s past hurt that you have yet to forgive. Maybe it’s the comparison game. Maybe it’s fear of failing or fear of the unknown. Whatever it may be you have two responses.. allow it to paralyze you or use it to propel you forward.

No matter the trigger, big or small, God already claims victory over it.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

He loves us and doesn’t want to see us staying paralyzed in the things that once happened or that are unknown. Honestly, this is probably one of the easiest ways we hinder our own ability to move where God is leading.

I functioned in this state on and off for a few years. Different triggers but still same paralyzing response. Just staying still. I allowed the enemy to keep me in this state and missing out on the things God had in store.

I’ve also experienced moments where I was able to use those things that were suppose to paralyze me to propel me forward and now live to tell some incredible God testimonies from it . Why, because all those things that paralyze us are just tactics to keep us from moving forward to where God wants to use us.

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

It’s one thing to read John 16:33 it’s a whole new ballgame when you begin to claim it over your life, over your past hurts, over your fears and over your past mistakes. Those things that you feel paralyze you are the only things the enemy hold on you. He can only remind you of your past because the only one that holds your future is God. He has already claimed the victory!

Take a good hard look at your life how are you choosing to respond? What things would you say paralyze you. I encourage you to write them out and identify them because when you face those moments you’ll be able to identify them for what they are, distractions from God’s greatness!

No I did not fall off the face of the planet, as some I’m sure wished I had. I have spent the last couple months doing what I have talked about this year. Taking in the moments. I took time out to just be with family and the ones I love.. As this year is coming to a close I sit and ponder the past year. It has been filled with extreme lows and periodically scattered with a few highs. The year that I literally thought would never end.

This year I was challenged to rebuild a life I exploded. Literally starting from ground up to make a life for me and my kiddos. Choosing to be happy and wanting more out of my life despite the opposing feelings of others. I have learned the strength that laid dormant deep within me. I have learned just how resilient I am. I have embraced a life that is transparent, real and raw. I have experienced God’s relentless love and His redeeming grace while opening myself to building a new foundation and deepening my relationship with Him. I have ran full force towards healing and have seen wounds, old and new, be triaged and taken care of.

I have embraced new adventures and new experiences. Some of which took me high on the Mogollon rim to freeze my butt off but reset my soul. I faced the fear of small places in mine shafts. I captured the most beautiful fall colors somewhere in Sedona. I took a road that took me off road by accident but it’s a memory that will go down in the books for me and my kids. I got lost a whole lot this year but learned so much about myself.

I spent time embracing moments with my kids. Taking in those snuggles, hearing those belly laughs and crying with them as they process a tough year. With each moment deepening the roots of security and love in each heart. I am learning to be the mom God has created me to be. To be the solid foundation for my kids to feel confident in sharing life with. We have been shaken this year but we have weathered the storms.

One of the biggest things that I’ve been so overwhelmed by was how God surrounded me with people who directly and indirectly encouraged my heart on the darkest days. Who have invested time to see me through this year. How God continued to use me even through my mess. Stretching me to be real in this blog and to not shy away from reaching out to hurting hearts. It was only because of him I was able to give anything. My heart is overwhelmingly grateful for His enduring love for me.

It was this year that showed me what a true partnership really means. He deepened the roots of this relationship. Being in the homestretch of an insanely crazy year feels overwhelmingly free for us both. We fell in love with each other in new ways, we gained respect for one another, we learned how to honor one another even in the secret places. We learned how to love one another in our weakest. We climbed into each others messes and pulled one another out of the darkest days. Ending this year stronger and crazier in love with each other.

Most importantly I learned how to love myself. I learned how to look past the junk in the mirror and see who God sees. I slowly learned how to take off the labels that tried to attach themselves to me. I learned that God isn’t done with me; that I am still his beloved. I am a wiser, stronger, and healthier individual. I learned how to have joy because of the trials.

I say good bye to one of the toughest years of my entire life and hello to a greater year. This year I will be INTENTIONAL, I will PURSUE greatness in every avenue of my life, I want to DEEPEN my relationships and set my soul on FIRE for the Lord. This year will be the year where healing begins to live where I am joyful. Hello 2020, I’m excited to see all you have in store.

Thankfulness breeds fruitfulness. This idea has challenged me to become more intentional in being better in this area.

It’s easy to complain about the struggles. It’s easy to sit in your pity party. It’s easy to just sit and lament over every possible negative outcome. It’s easy to word vomit. It’s easy to sit still but sitting still means your moving nowhere. It means your producing NOTHING.

Yes, life happens but you choose what your response will be to life. It’s not living with your head in the sand and not going head on with hard things. Or even seeing life only through the rose colored glasses. It’s about being thankful IN the struggle.

Growing is always followed with hard things. Being thankful in the struggle changes your perspective. It creates and produces Godly fruit.

Galatians 5:22 “But the Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self-control..”

The struggle is what builds your faith and dependence on God. So don’t shy away or run away from the struggle. Because it maybe the very thing that is growing and producing the sweetest fruit in your life.

I was privileged enough to sit on staff at a church for years. I enjoyed every opportunity given to me and at times maybe took them for granted. “We get to do this…” became the anthem inside those walls. That we were privileged because we got to do what we did. In ways I did feel that and in others I felt like that became the line that convinced me I couldn’t be burnt out or take a breather. Yes, church life can be hard. You are carrying the spiritual lives of people and the burdens that they face all the while sometimes facing your own storms.

Yes, we worked hard and played hard but it ran the life out of you at times. You are told that you weren’t allowed to talk about how hard things were or how tired you were because it was a privilege to do what you do. Yes, it was indeed a privilege but in the same breath people are still people even those who work for the church. We have good days and we have bad days. Granted the good days out numbered the bad but we were still people with real lives.

Living in a fishbowl would be the best way I could describe how I felt at times. People watched you and your family. How you responded to certain situations and how you interacted with each other. They often judged you while others just fell more in love with you. Living this unspoken expectation that you had to look like you had it together. Because we were “supposed” to be the example. At times this was exhausting and super challenging.

When you and your family are going through tough stuff you, at times, have to put aside everything that’s going on to fully give to the people you lead. If I’m being rawly honest that was extremely hard for me. Not to mention that the help you give out to people isn’t always reciprocated by those above you when your going through it yourself.

Sometimes if you don’t watch it you start to feel neglected and left on your own to figure out your mess. But remember, it had to be done discreetly and in quiet. I understand some of the why but honestly aren’t we all just imperfect people? Personally, I wish more leaders would admit the hard stuff and struggles they face and still proclaim God and His greatness. I don’t understand why it needs to be one or the other.

Then there was the behind the scenes things that had to be done. The sleepless hours away from your families to complete a project or meet that Easter deadline. If your not careful you are sucked in to this vortex of doing the “church stuff” that you begin to drift out of touch with the world outside of the walls. I didn’t realize this happened until I was on the outside.

It was the first time I prayed with someone at my work place that I remembered why I loved ministry. It was the moment I just offered a hug and a listening ear to a grandma who was heartbroken for her family. It was about loving people in that moment not distracted by the stuff or the doing. Now I do not want to blanket statement any of this as if this is how it is everywhere for everyone. But for me, I was busy doing the work of church that I forgot the mission of the church.

Now I’m not saying my time there was all bad, it was at times beyond amazing. God allowed me to be apart of some incredible ministry moments. He allowed me to be a part of the growing journey for many students. Some I will never get to see those seeds completely bloom while others I still have the privilege to see God use them.

It was the moment when I became an imperfect person and had to step outside of the walls,broken and humbling myself before God. When God placed me right where I need to be for this season, where I began to remember my love for Him and His mission!

So, why say all this and expose the inside… Because it’s a sobering reminder that people who work for the church aren’t robots they are real people with a real life and real struggles. So love them fiercely but be gentle to them to. Also, a sobering reminder that there is life and ministry outside of those walls ..