Addiction was something I ran from. I grew up around addicts and always told myself that would never be anything I would deal with. I saw my dad die from the consequences of his addiction. I saw my mom broken hearted by the addictions of others. I saw loved ones lives destroyed by addiction.

It runs in the family.

What I found was that simply saying that wouldn’t affect me wasn’t enough. All this time I thought I was running from it but instead I ran straight into it and was so deceived that I fully convinced myself that I was fine. That it really was nothing, I wasn’t hurting anyone. My family wasn’t being neglected. That it was just to relax or have fun. Reality was this addiction was sucking the life out of me. Stealing time from me.

My addiction was my cozy blanket, my confidence, my escape and my secret friend. It was the very thing that turned all the emotions, circumstances and voices off. The very thing I found comfort in when things were spinning out of control. It was the off button when I wanted to shut up the emotions and it kept me from dealing with my circumstances. It trapped me in its grip and tighten that grip with each encounter.

Then there was a defined moment when I had to make a choice. One that I found myself, without a doubt, knowing it was worth the change.

My kids.

At first, I convinced myself that it wasn’t an issue. It was something that I did periodically. Then I started realizing it was something I craved. The only thing I would think about. I honestly thought I had it under control when all along I was being controlled by it. This was a moment when I was forced to come face to face with reality. A reality that was hard to swallow and hard to face. I had to accept it as an addiction and make changes.

I then found myself learning how to feel again. Learning how to deal with circumstances and my emotions. Learning how not to shut down. Even learning the simple things like how to fall asleep. Of course I did this during the biggest, rawest life changing season of my life. During a divorce. So, talk about being baptized in fire. It was hard. I would like to say I did it flawlessly but that was far from the truth.

A few months shy of a year sober, I was caught up with overwhelming emotions that I found myself returning to the vomit. It was by the grace of God and a praying friend that didn’t send me spiraling downward.

Feeling defeated but realizing that I needed to do this whole thing with God. Allowing Him to walk me through. I began the journey of sobriety all over again. One day at a time.

Some days have been harder than others but today I am thankful that I get to celebrate a year sober and free from the things that kept me from facing life. Standing proud of the person I am today because of that choice. Proud of what God has brought me through and encouraged by what He has in store.

Things have a way of creeping into your life. Taking roots of addiction. It can be as obvious as drugs, alcohol. Or maybe not as obvious like social media, an eating disorder, the need for attention, shopping or even self harm. Take an inventory of your life today. Is there something that your deriving worth from, comfort in or hiding under? If there is, then it maybe time for a change.

It is true co-parenting journey is not ideal and definitely not one that I ever thought I would be walking through. Yet here we are. My ex-husband and I don’t see eye to eye on everything but we do see eye to eye on the most important things, our two kids. Our hearts are to give them the best possible version of a shitty situation that they have been thrown into.

We recently took our daughter to Disneyland for her 5th birthday. A day that I dreaded for a bit because that meant a whole day in each others presence. It wasn’t easy on either side but it wasn’t about us, it was about our little girl. She deserved the best day ever and we delivered. Some people wouldn’t be able to do what we are able to do and I don’t take it lightly. I am beyond grateful that we are able to co-exist and love our kids despite our feelings about each other and our life choices. How did we keep the Happiest Place on Earth the happiest memory for our daughter?

1- We recognized it wasn’t about US, it was about HER. Something so many divorced parents miss. Yes, there is hurt that is attached to divorce. Why make a hard situation harder on your kids. Grow up! When you divorce you have to put in the work for it to be about them not YOU. Some days are easier than others. Once you can get outside of yourself, your kids will be better for it.

2- We didn’t put ourselves in situations that would cause a disagreements. That meant we drove separate to California literally following each other. We stayed in two different hotels and split that time with our daughter. She loved having the extra one on one time with each of us. Seeing how she is the 2nd child that is a rare occasion. It helped foster space needed for us to breath from one another. Space to just be.

3- We found things that would lighten the mood. He wore a shirt that said “his favorite Disney villain was his ex-wife” Which I found ridiculous and funny. As people would comment on how funny his shirt was I chimed in saying “at least I am a favorite” haha. Sometimes you just have to laugh a little bit, it helps break the tension. As always he needed some kind of comic relief and honestly if that’s what he needed to get through the day, it is a shirt. Don’t take life so seriously. It is okay to have fun around your kids with your ex-spouse. That isn’t a license to be disrespectful. It means let your kids see you guys laugh more than those angry eyes and passive aggressive remarks.

Lastly- We kept the main focus the main focus. Our daughter and making her day as special and as magical as possible. We were able to enjoy the day because she was the joy. I wouldn’t choose to do that everyday of my life but doing that helped us know that we can do this co-parenting thing effectively TOGETHER. We were a horrible wife and husband to one another but that doesn’t mean we have to be horrible parents. We strive every week to do right by them.

“There is no life so shattered that it cannot be restored.” -Dieter F. Uchtdorf

This very quote resonates to my soul. A year ago I believed the exact opposite. I thought my biggest mess up voided the years I dedicated to youth ministry. That somehow God could only see this one thing and it discredited what God had for me even.

It was a late Sunday evening when I received a message on insta that solified that very thought process as a lie.

A young lady I watched grow up from a child through my youth group reached out. She expressed her obvious confession with the situation, on to extending forgiveness but ended with words that will forever echo in my heart. She shared a personal story with me that I didn’t realized made such an impact on her. A moment where God used me to simply pray and love on her that changed the very core of her heart. She thanked me for being her youth pastor and expressed how I made a difference in her life and in others even though I faced challenges no one knew about.

I sat back, tears rolling down my face, feeling so overwhelmed by God’s love and His grace. I spent the last year stripping myself of the things that I thought were voided. That some how all that time and sacrifice would somehow be voided. Allowing my choices to cast a shadow on all those years. That Sunday night one message cleared that all up.

Yes, I made choices that took my life in another direction but it didn’t void the years God used me and it certainly doesn’t disqualify me for what God has for me in the future. He is constantly redefining what ministry looks like for me.

So thank you young lady for allowing God to use you to heal the last part of my heart that needed healing. For being real, honest and loving. God knew I needed you.