I Wasn’t Prepared

The healing continues:

I wasn’t prepared to peel back another layer of an onion I thought I had worked through. I wasn’t prepared to walk out the forgiveness I gave without any acknowledgment. I wasn’t prepared for all the feelings that would erupt with one simple question. I wasn’t prepared for the lack of remembrance or the disregard of something so tragic. I wasn’t prepared to realized that I was for sure the one who carried the remorse, the hurt, the emptiness and guilt from “our” choice all these years. I had assumed but it was confirmed with one innocent statement. I sit completely numb trying to hold back the rage that races through my veins. I hold back on my petty comebacks and wanting to jab back with revenge filled one liner. I am holding back on  spilling out and bursting open old wounds. Simply because I know, it would mean nothing. It would fix nothing. It would change nothing. 

What are you suppose to do with that? 

How are you suppose to process that? 

Lord what do you want to heal in that? 

Just another layer of realizing we all have very different journeys in life. Even things that you experience with someone can be processed so differently. Lord help me to stay humble and not get angry. Help me to be filled with compassion and not let this derail me.

Even though I am the one still remembering every moment of those days. I want to use this chapter of my story to honor God. Bring glory to him. Because it’s only because of Him I have been able to forgive myself for that choice. It’s only because of God I have been able to love on other women who’ve walked through similar journeys to find healing and freedom from shame. 

Even though I was caught off guard and not fully prepared to walk through another layer of healing but God. 

I chose to not harp on the pain from the abortion and the trauma of that day that has tormented me in the past but to focus on remembering that God has brought me out of shame and he has restored in me joy. 

My sweet Kinsley, may your life be honored by the rawness of our story and allowing God to use it to minister to others, to expose truth that is buried under the lies the world tells about abortion and shatter shame that keeps women from healing. 

I may not have been prepared to face a new layer of healing but God loves me enough to keep me digging out roots that can cause harm in me.

God loves you enough to let you know you’re seen, heard and loved. 

Just know you have a friend in me if you’ve walked a similar journey. You are not alone. 

Word for the Year

The new year is approaching fast. When we say goodbye to the good and the bad of 2023 and say hello to 2024 a whole new year of possibilities. Every year I sit with the Lord and pray about a word for the year. Every year he gives me something that keeps me centered yet challenged.

In 2023 the word was UNSHAKEABLE.

That I would have unshakeable faith, unshakeable trust, unshakeable confidence, unshakeable hope, unshakeable peace, and unshakeable strength in 2023. If I am being brutally honest I knew I was in for it when that was the word that the Lord spoke to my heart. Then came the verses that would become anchors for my soul this year.

Psalms 16:8 ” I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken for he is right beside me.”

Psalms 62:6 ” He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.”

1 Chronicles 4:10 “He was the one who prayed to the God of Isreal. ” Oh that you would bless me and expand my territory! Please be with me in all that I do and keep me from all trouble and pain!” and God granted him his request”

When I say that I was challenged to be UNSHAKEABLE it began January 1st. I started the year taking a leap of faith and leaving the corporate world to pursue His work with a non-profit. That alone tested my ability to have unshakeable trust that God would take care of us financially and that I would have unshakeable faith that this was where God was leading. That alone was the single best decision of the year. Ministry became alive in me again. Something I swore off a few years ago. I have been surrounded by faith builders and ministry giants this year. I have been able to focus on the ministry inside of our home and grow the ministry outside of our home. It truly has been a blessing to our family.

2023 has also birthed unshakeable confidence. Although I am still growing in this area, I have taken steps personally to walk out the things that God has placed in me. He has opened opportunities for me to speak publically again. To share HIS word, encouraging and challenging others on various platforms. He has also opened the doors to share my story unfiltered with other women. Partnering with women to see change in their own lives. I have come leaps and bounds in being brave enough to use my voice in my own writing again. I am becoming unshakeably confident in who God has created me to be and what he has called me to do.

The point is WORDS ARE POWERFUL. It is amazing when you ask the Lord to pick a word for you to carry throughout the year and how that word will come to pass over and over throughout the year. How much you will grow in yourself but also in your relationship with Him. I encourage you to end the year reflecting but ask the Lord to give you a word that will keep you centered and challenged for next year. A word for the year is a great way to enter into the new year with expectations. Expectation for God to do a new thing, to grow and challenge you in a new way in all areas of your life. Let the year be marked in one word that will be all-encompassing of what God did in and through your life.

2023 I became unshakeable.

What will you become in 2024?

Grief vs. the Holiday

Holidays sometimes are not filled with joy and cheer. For some, holidays are filled with feelings of sadness and great despair. When you have experienced a loss of important people in your life the holiday can highlight the fact that they are no longer with you. For some reason, the holiday season can elicit grief in a real way. Grief sneaks up on you like a giant tsunami without any warning. It is debilitating and overwhelming. But how are you supposed to process this during one of the most joy-filled seasons of the year? How are you supposed to survive the tsunami of emotions?

First, you need to allow yourself to feel those feelings. I know this can be hard but ignoring those feelings will only worsen things. What does this look like? Cry or scream or write it out. Whatever you need to do to actually feel those feelings, you need to sit in a safe space and allow that tsunami of emotions to run over you with permission to physically rush out. This is allowing yourself to acknowledge that those feelings do exist. Exposing them and taking the time to allow yourself to feel will release that tension and find healing.

Secondly, one of my favorite things that I have found the most helpful when working through grief around the holidays, do something as a tribute to that person. For me it has been baking a pecan pie on Thanksgiving, this may sound silly but it was my dad’s favorite. This year I bought my husband a red bird ornament in honor of his dad. It is a simple reminder that he is missed and loved. I also release a balloon every year for my dad’s birthday with a note attached. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I don’t. I know this isn’t healthy for the environment, but neither is driving cars. Whatever it is find something that reminds you of that person and do it. As silly as it may seem acknowledging them releases peace within your heart.

Lastly, find someone you feel safe to share with when feeling sad and out of sorts. Someone who won’t try to make you feel better or distract you from your feelings. But someone who truly will sit with you in your feelings. Allowing you to feel but knowing how to pull you out of the darkness. This kind of support will help you tremendously. This is probably the most important step to take note of. Because although it’s healthy to feel the feelings you can’t stay there. You need to be able to make steps forward. Having that person who knows when to give you space to feel and how to bring you out will be crucial.

My husband shared this line of a song with me a few weeks ago and it beautifully encompassed grief in such a tangible way:

“Grief is just love with no place to go.”

When we give grief a place to go and we allow ourselves to experience it we continue to grow in healing from it. Some years will be better than others friend. Honestly, grief NEVER goes away it will just take different forms over the years. Take the time to love on those even if they are no longer with us. But let it also serve as a reminder to not miss being present with those who still remain around us.

Say I love you, be present, and hug them tight because one day it will only be the memories you’ll be holding tight to.

Are you entertained?

A couple weeks ago I had a dream. In my dream I was walking around a church, taking in all of sights and sounds. I was so over stimulated because this church literally looked like an amusement park. The lobby was packed with people waiting in line to have lunch at the in house restaurant. It had a store that had small items to purchase everything from hairspray & lip balm to branded mugs , t-shirts & books. There were ridable animals for people to ride around the lobby. There were places to sit and people waiting in line to get their seats at the next service.

I then walked into the kids wing, it was decorated as if it was straight out of the Disneyland imagination station. It had slides, bright colors and smelled like candy. Kids were laughing, smiling and having fun.

Then I walked into the service and it was packed with the most updated smoke and lights. The musicians were talented. Worship began and as I looked around no one was worshiping. They were singing but they were not worshiping. They were like robots going through the motions.

The pastor got up and began talking. It was like every word turned into this pretty colored ribbon that danced around the auditorium.

Then I woke up. This dream was so vivid but like most dreams I don’t think much of them and just move on with the day. But then, last night I had a similar dream.

I was standing in front of this building that had a large screen and it flashed quick scenes from various churches. Some I recognized and others I didn’t. The pictures were filled with people smiling and being entertained by the environment or the atmosphere. I stood there asking the Lord, “What is all of this Lord?”

He whispered to my heart this statement that I have not been able to shake.

Some churches today are too busy entertaining…

I woke up startled pressing into the Lord even more. Asking him to forgive me and I repented for merely finding church entertaining. As today has gone by my heart has not been able to shake that statement.

The church today is too busy entertaining… I encourage you friends are you just merely being entertained or are you pressing in and growing with God. Are you living out the mission to love and lead people to Jesus daily? Are you just considered the church when you are in the building or are you being the church outside of the walls?

Friends, we have got to do better and stop trying to entertain people or try to wrap Jesus in glitter to look more appealing to the outside world. The world is looking for a raw and genuine church. Let’s be challenged today to take a hard harsh look at ourselves and evaluating our authenticity in loving God. Asking yourself are you just a consumer of your church? Are you going to church to be entertained or are you going to church to encounter Jesus and His Church? Are you taking church outside of the walls into your everyday life? Be challenged today friend.

“Don’t just listen to the Word of Truth and not respond to it, for that is the essence of self-deception. So always let his Word become like poetry written and fulfilled by your life!” James 1:22

Not Just A Story

Your life is not just a story. It is a TESTIMONY. Interestingly, we can get so caught up in this idea that our experiences in life are small meaningless chapters in our whole life story. Some are good and others are not so great. As quick as a chapter opens it closes and we are off to the next chapter of our lives. In reality, each of those chapters just doesn’t tell a story they tell a testimony. Everything you have been through is a testimony of God’s grace and goodness for mankind. Your story really could resonate with someone else and can have a lasting impact, ultimately changing the course of their own lives for the better.

I continue to be challenged to not keep those chapters that I think are not so pretty hidden but quickly convinced that my story is my testimony and sharing it could help someone else. I know through those chapters that I don’t find an attractive end with God redeeming and life change. We didn’t go through things to keep silent. Those chapters that we can sometimes feel shame in are the chapters that the world needs to hear and see God’s glory through it all. The world around you needs a raw unfiltered version of your story.

We have all been at fault for filtering our world to look the most perfect. Do you know what I am talking about? We doctor our stories by leaving out the most shameful parts or we share just enough to get us by. We spend hours filtering our chapters and cleaning them up to not look as bad as they really were.

Am I the only one that has done that?

Truth is we all have done that at some point. We all know no one is perfect. Only Jesus is. It is only because of Jesus that most of us have made it through various chapters of our lives with our faith still intact. I encourage you to share the testimony of your story. Not just see your life as a messy story but also know that your story is the message. It carries a message of God’s grace, love, and redemption. The most ugly parts of your story paint a complete picture of God’s goodness. People need to hear it. People want to know that they are not alone. Someone has been right where they are. Know your story carries more weight than you could ever know, it carries the weight of a testimony that is far greater than you could ever really comprehend.

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