Addiction was something I ran from. I grew up around addicts and always told myself that would never be anything I would deal with. I saw my dad die from the consequences of his addiction. I saw my mom broken hearted by the addictions of others. I saw loved ones lives destroyed by addiction.
It runs in the family.
What I found was that simply saying that wouldn’t affect me wasn’t enough. All this time I thought I was running from it but instead I ran straight into it and was so deceived that I fully convinced myself that I was fine. That it really was nothing, I wasn’t hurting anyone. My family wasn’t being neglected. That it was just to relax or have fun. Reality was this addiction was sucking the life out of me. Stealing time from me.
My addiction was my cozy blanket, my confidence, my escape and my secret friend. It was the very thing that turned all the emotions, circumstances and voices off. The very thing I found comfort in when things were spinning out of control. It was the off button when I wanted to shut up the emotions and it kept me from dealing with my circumstances. It trapped me in its grip and tighten that grip with each encounter.
Then there was a defined moment when I had to make a choice. One that I found myself, without a doubt, knowing it was worth the change.
My kids.
At first, I convinced myself that it wasn’t an issue. It was something that I did periodically. Then I started realizing it was something I craved. The only thing I would think about. I honestly thought I had it under control when all along I was being controlled by it. This was a moment when I was forced to come face to face with reality. A reality that was hard to swallow and hard to face. I had to accept it as an addiction and make changes.
I then found myself learning how to feel again. Learning how to deal with circumstances and my emotions. Learning how not to shut down. Even learning the simple things like how to fall asleep. Of course I did this during the biggest, rawest life changing season of my life. During a divorce. So, talk about being baptized in fire. It was hard. I would like to say I did it flawlessly but that was far from the truth.
A few months shy of a year sober, I was caught up with overwhelming emotions that I found myself returning to the vomit. It was by the grace of God and a praying friend that didn’t send me spiraling downward.
Feeling defeated but realizing that I needed to do this whole thing with God. Allowing Him to walk me through. I began the journey of sobriety all over again. One day at a time.
Some days have been harder than others but today I am thankful that I get to celebrate a year sober and free from the things that kept me from facing life. Standing proud of the person I am today because of that choice. Proud of what God has brought me through and encouraged by what He has in store.
Things have a way of creeping into your life. Taking roots of addiction. It can be as obvious as drugs, alcohol. Or maybe not as obvious like social media, an eating disorder, the need for attention, shopping or even self harm. Take an inventory of your life today. Is there something that your deriving worth from, comfort in or hiding under? If there is, then it maybe time for a change.
Soul-ly Stripped 